Week 2

It's funny, isn't it? The way God works in the midst of things, and the way He changes your perspective at the exact moment that you are not looking for it. It sounds cliche, I know. I've heard it about five hundred billion times, and you've probably heard it more. My suspicion, however, is that this idea of God working in mysterious ways was originally more than that thing that everybody says all the time.

Take today, for example.

I started the morning on a low. not sure what it was. coud have been my quiet time getting cut off, could have been not enough sugar in my coffee I don't know. But week two, I won't lie, has been a serious challenge, and I was really feeling it today. I realize that God is not emotion, and I'm trying to learn to follow Him regardless of emotion. But being sad is still sad. I was frustrated with my spiritual and practical incapabilities, which wasn't helped by the hard day yesterday, where we saw only one woman from the people group we're trying to reach out to, and i didn't really get to have many conversations. And even more than that, my shortcomings are further thrown into light when I am around my roommate, the seminary student who reads the Bible thruogh every year and often reads it in its original Hebrew and Greek and furthermore knows some Arabic. I am slow to learn. I am very quiet up here for some reason; I sometimes feel I lack an outlet, a way to express anything. I am relatively certain that the worship team does not believe me when I tell them I can sing (they get that "don't call us, we'll call you" look every time I've talked to them about it), and besides Callie definitely has that position covered. I would sing in the apartment, except for the part about us not getting home til 9 or 10 and the walls being thin. My violin is 500 miles away. My writing is increasingly bad, mostly because I don't have time. Because of certain personal tensions in the group, prayerwalking is someting I am to do only to myself. I really wish, right now, that I could dance, but we all know I can't.
In short, I feel a little suffocated.

And besides that, I have those common feelings of incompetence. What do I have to offer? I'm an introvert. I can try to be good at conversation, but I'm not as the rest. I cannot use music right now,I cannot use acting. I cannot pray the way i'm good at. As much as I try to learn and converse with Tim and Joan, I always panic and keep quiet so they won't see how spiritually behind i am. i am a little bit lonely.
and feeling this way, it kind of sucks.

i am encouraged daily by reading the book of Acts. Acts rocks. And I find comfort in His joy and His mercies that are new every morning. But it doesn't mean that feeling this way doesn't suck. It sucks less and less the more I look at him, but those feelings, they just suck.

Except that God works in mysterious ways. Many times, I find it is through people. Take the gillihans, for example, who at the moment have the entire family over for a wedding. Congratulations to the Gillihan grandchildren,who have replenished a notch of my faith in children. Congratulations also to the arabic people, for I have not found a more warm and loving people outside that small, Tanzanian house I have been to only once. This evening, Adel and his wife Lela and their children and about 6ish other families welcomed us to their backyard. It was hot--a comfortable hot, like June/July ought to be. And there was a feast there of good food and good people. My feet were bare and I was wearing my new grey dress and not a whole lot else. with the children, i played hide and and seek (and often won). With the adults, I sat and talked and enjoyed their company. i sang a little to myself. I drank tea. And i sat with these wonderful people in the shade, and laughed away the long summer, evening.

And really, I was exactly myself. One foot on in the kiddie pool, one in the deep, adult end. Wild some, thoughtful some. a little wierd, a little traditional. And it didn't matter how good or bad anyone was at anything. We were all children of God, weren't we? Why should we not love each other? I found myself more content than I had though possibly this morning

I am reminded again of who He is, and who I am. Without Him, I am nothing. Through Him, I can do all things. Praise God, eh?

Week 2.